The FDR - Fast and Furious in New York City

NASCAR – not impressed…
Indy Racing, Formula 1 – forget it…


If you want the PURE racing experience – hit the F-D-R Drive running along the East River in New York City.


Rubbing is racing on the FDR – Complete with break-neck speeds, nerves of steel and some of the most reckless idiots ever to have been awarded a driver's license. There is no trace of civility, maturity or common sense in these very special motorists – just pure adrenaline coupled with the IQ of a bruised apple.


No gap is too small, no lane change too ridiculous.


A great deal of this fun takes place at the Brooklyn Bridge approach. As you approach the bridge, there is a well-marked and clearly defined exit lane on the right. However, these Brooklyn-bound monsters of mayhem choose to ignore the lane altogether while following a Charles Manson-like set of instructions that are somehow burned into their collective psyche.


Step I: Speed up the left lane at 90 m.p.h. and then without warning – LOCK IT UP!


Step II: Plunge through two lanes of heavy traffic and begin shouting matches with all the cars and drivers in a 30-foot radius.


Step III: Continue vital cell phone conversation while spreading mass death and destruction behind you.


Step IV: And this is the most important part of the equation – NEVER, under any circumstances, EVER – let anyone squeeze in front on you. Who the hell do these people think they are???


This tried-and-true formula is obviously a success, because accident rates on the FDR Drive are always on the rise. The entire stretch of asphalt from the South Street Seaport to the George Washington Bridge becomes part of the FDR Parking Festival.


But don’t worry --Even accidents don’t quell this special brand of New York Road Rage. Cars still slash in front of one another even though their top speed is only about 3 mph.


“Way to go guy! You’re the WINNER!"

Subway Pianist: Play It Again Sam

You can always count on two things when riding the New York Subway System:

1) There is always some type of unpleasant smell waiting to assail your senses. The source of these odiferous emanations most often come from those who never mastered the concept of bathing, never heard the news about deodorant or those who choose to use the subway as their personal toilet. You rarely witness the act, but the nose knows.

2) You can also count on some type of music from any wide variety of instruments or recording devices. This includes portable stringed instruments, drums and most often a couple a heavy-duty buckets and couple of wooden sticks.

But last night, as I walked off the train at West Fourth Street, it sounded like someone playing the piano. Of course, it seemed highly unlikely that someone would actually wrestle a piano onto the platform, but this is New York.

As the doors closed behind me, I realized that whoever was playing this music had some kind of classical training. As the train started to roll, the sound of the music disappeared. But coming around the stairs, I saw that the musician had indeed managed to get a piano onto the platform and was gently playing some classical piece written by Brahms.

The music was beautiful and the piano, well – it was a piano, not a mini, not a laptop keyboard or a Casio, but the real deal. As he tickled the ivories, I asked him how he had gotten the piano all the way down into the bowels of the station. He held up his right arm and made a muscle and smiled down at it. I laughed and said, “Really Piano Man, how did you get the piano down here?”

He told me he rolls it down a few times a week and then takes it back up at night. The pianist also says he used to leave it down here on the platform, but the police don’t let him do that anymore.

I dropped a buck into his bucket and finally said good night to the piano man.

Fun at Newark Restaurants: Guns, Guards & Gazpacho

You get more than a warm meal when you eat at a restaurant in Newark!

Try the tech nine special and some of that glorious hollow point gravy on the side. It appears that armed guards are on the menu for multiple eateries around the glamorous city of Newark, New Jersey.

The city recently passed a new law where patrons must enjoy a restaurant meal with armed security guards after 10pm. Guards will be packing gats to gut gang members before the appetizers come.

Imagine the possibilities for restaurant owners who must now bring in enough firepower to quell any of those Newark uprisings.

We offer the freshest, homemade murder free food in all of Newark. We know you'll appreciate the high quality of our armed guards and their marksmanship as they knock off the bad guys at better than 100 yards away.

That friendly Newark service and the value of having a crack-sniper at your table is sure to bring security to your table while enjoying gun battles in real time.

Our chefs/snipers prepare our dishes with only the freshest ingredients while taking out the bad guys before any drive-by really gets out of hand.

Each line cook knows the grill almost as well as the latest laser-siting technology needed to light up the undesirables and put them down before you can say, “Check, please.”

And don’t forget to ask about our top of the line silencers. Watch each firefight with the suppressed cough of each shot so you can head home with a satisfied stomach, not a headache.

Charting the Freedom Tower

Useless Media Riding the Weiner for All Its Worth

As the lines continue to blur between 60 minutes and Jerry Springer, American journalism took another huge step back in credibility during its latest news du jour, the Weiner Scandal.  Just last week, 17% of all news stories revolved around one of the easiest targets of all time, former congressman, Anthony Weiner.

Journalists across the country embraced their inner Beavis and Butthead while trying to one up the other with Weiner jokes. This is the media’s finest moment because its true colors have never been more apparent.

Don’t get me wrong, Weiner jokes are great – but who knew that the self-declared “Fourth Estate” was actually just another version of “Laugh In?”

Here is a brief list of Weiner headlines from our finest journalistic outlets:

• NY Post:  Weiner Explodes

• Seattle PI: Obama gives Weiner a very hard nudge 

• NY Daily News:  Squeezed out: Anthony Weiner resigns

• NBC:  Weiner Can't Withstand Pushes to Resign

• Forbes:  Anthony Weiner Comes Clean About Dirty Photos  (NASTIEST)

• Huffington Post: Wiener's Limp Support

• ABC:  Comedians, Minus Stewart, Roast Weiner After Resignation

• UPI:  Steny Hoyer joins push to force Weiner out

• The Right Perspective:  Weiner Pulls Out

• Fox News:  New Weiner Photos Trickle Out

• CNN:  New York Media Buried Weiner 

• The Right Perspective:  Pelosi Spits Weiner Out, Calls For Resignation

• Leno:  "I guess he realized he couldn't stick it out any longer."

Faces Frozen Forever onto the Real Housewives of New York City

Those faces are frozen for a reason!!

If you are one those strange people who shove cosmetic needles and toxins into your face, this article will not evoke feelings of warmth and fuzziness.

I've always found the “Housewives of Wherever” genre to be overacted, tactless and without any redeeming value. But due to a recent Botox study released by the University of Southern California, I have discovered an aspect of the “Housewives of New York” that I cannot turn away from!!

The upper two-thirds of those "Housewife" faces DO NOT MOVE!

This is not a mean joke - these stiff and static grills are for real. Even during the "Housewives" commercials, there was always something that seemed a bit off. Now we know what it is, the upper quadrants of the "Housewife" faces are completely frozen from the jaw up. 

Whether they are swearing, swinging or swooning, those faces are locked into the death-grip of cosmetic toxins. These "housewives" bare a striking resemblance to the Nutcracker puppets, because the only part of their face that actually moves is their jaws. 

The study that drew me to this facial phenomenon deals with people who get Botox injections and subsequently lose their ability to convey emotions.  The study, released by the University of California, explains that these toxic shots, freeze facial muscles and deaden the face’s ability to display emotions.

Here’s the best part – you can watch any episode with the MUTE button on. There’s no need to hear what insidious venom they are spraying at one another.  The only way to read their emotions is by activating the closed-captioning function.

These stone-faced housewives strike an eerie resemblance to the old South Park characters before they switched to computer animation. Forgive me for not knowing the names of all the housewives, but I came up with a South Park character key.

Numbered left to right… 

#1 – Kyle

#2 - The Baroness would play Mayor McDaniels

#3 - The redhead looks like Mr. Garrison

#4 - Bethenny (ex-housewife or not) bares a striking resemblance to Wendy Testaburger

#5 - The crazy bug-eyed housewife is a dead-ringer for Cartman

#6 – It’s a tie between Tweak and Butters

Deadly Wiffle Ball, Terrifying Tag Banned at NY Summer Camps

Wiffle Ball! Kickball! Capture the Flag, Oh my!!

Wiffle Ball and capture the flag are just some of the lethal activities that NY State Lawmakers have deemed too dangerous for kids to participate in at summer camp.

This 2009 law also lists tag and dodgeball as treacherous activities that “pose a risk for significant injury” to children. So once again, as lawmakers try to regulate every facet of every day life, common sense has been critically injured.

Don’t get me wrong, I remember taking a wiffle ball to the face once, and it damn near left a welt on my cheek.

I also remember being tagged during tag, the humiliation was so complete, I got hooked on bazooka bubble gum and had to spend minute after minute chewing it.

And dodgeball, I hit a kid above the shoulders once and got yelled at by my gym teacher. I never liked her anyway.

Don’t even get me started on “capture the flag!”

Given that these kid games have been proven too deadly to play, what are some of the alternatives?

There are always video games and television, but then you run the risk of childhood obesity, a condition that has been firmly linked to premature death.

I guess drug dealers get a fair amount of exercise while walking the beat in the hood or running from law enforcement. But they also have a high mortality rate due to conflicts being solved with gunplay.

Forget swimming, did you ever see the movie Titanic?

Biting fingernails is fun, but God knows where those hands have been – then you run the risk of infection.

Kids could spend all day texting, but wait, they do that anyway.

Since the brain surgeons in Albany have outlawed fun, maybe they might offer some suggestions on what SAFER summer activities children might participate in before they start looking like Zach Galifianakis in Hangover Four.