Fun at Newark Restaurants: Guns, Guards & Gazpacho

You get more than a warm meal when you eat at a restaurant in Newark!

Try the tech nine special and some of that glorious hollow point gravy on the side. It appears that armed guards are on the menu for multiple eateries around the glamorous city of Newark, New Jersey.

The city recently passed a new law where patrons must enjoy a restaurant meal with armed security guards after 10pm. Guards will be packing gats to gut gang members before the appetizers come.

Imagine the possibilities for restaurant owners who must now bring in enough firepower to quell any of those Newark uprisings.

We offer the freshest, homemade murder free food in all of Newark. We know you'll appreciate the high quality of our armed guards and their marksmanship as they knock off the bad guys at better than 100 yards away.

That friendly Newark service and the value of having a crack-sniper at your table is sure to bring security to your table while enjoying gun battles in real time.

Our chefs/snipers prepare our dishes with only the freshest ingredients while taking out the bad guys before any drive-by really gets out of hand.

Each line cook knows the grill almost as well as the latest laser-siting technology needed to light up the undesirables and put them down before you can say, “Check, please.”

And don’t forget to ask about our top of the line silencers. Watch each firefight with the suppressed cough of each shot so you can head home with a satisfied stomach, not a headache.